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I need a bumper sticker to wear during meetings that says "I'd rather be at my desk programming"
Someone spelled “logins” with two g’s and now I can’t get “Danger Zone” out of my head
HOW TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET: find two corners, and hold one in each hand. Now, extend your third and fourth arms, and grab the other two.
"Hah! Who's that weirdo talking to?" I say aloud to myself.
There's a special kind of irritation you can only have for someone you've had sex with.
When a guy says he slept hard last night, I imagine him face-down, balanced on his erect penis, gently rocking back and forth like a seesaw.
Holy shit, babies are stupid.
Just a second, honey, mommy has to tweet that.
Oh, you want MORE water? I already GAVE you water, you stupid bitch. -- the fucking automatic sinks
Don’t give up on your dreams, unless they’re dumb.
Cleavage can only get hotter when there are visible crumbs in it. Ask anybody.
Jesus fuck I love that kid more than sandwiches. And I fucking love sandwiches.
Do surgeons go to work thinking "I am going to cut a bitch today"?
My epitaph will read, "She died doing what she loved: drumming on the steering wheel."
I wanna do body shots off my baby.
I am hungry and angry. I am hangry.
In a moment of awesomeness, I was, like, awesome.
Stop the world! I'm getting off.
Or don't stop it, whatever. Just letting you know, I'm touching myself and it's going really well.
Fuck my life with a life fucking machine.
That fart sounded like an awkward teenage boy asking a girl out on a date.