I need a bumper sticker to wear during meetings that says "I'd rather be at my desk programming"

"Hah! Who's that weirdo talking to?" I say aloud to myself.

HOW TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET: find two corners, and hold one in each hand. Now, extend your third and fourth arms, and grab the other two.

When a guy says he slept hard last night, I imagine him face-down, balanced on his erect penis, gently rocking back and forth like a seesaw.

Holy shit, babies are stupid.

There's a special kind of irritation you can only have for someone you've had sex with.

Just a second, honey, mommy has to tweet that.

Oh, you want MORE water? I already GAVE you water, you stupid bitch. -- the fucking automatic sinks

Cleavage can only get hotter when there are visible crumbs in it. Ask anybody.

Jesus fuck I love that kid more than sandwiches. And I fucking love sandwiches.

Do surgeons go to work thinking "I am going to cut a bitch today"?

I wanna do body shots off my baby.

My epitaph will read, "She died doing what she loved: drumming on the steering wheel."

I am hungry and angry. I am hangry.

In a moment of awesomeness, I was, like, awesome.

Stop the world! I'm getting off.

Or don't stop it, whatever. Just letting you know, I'm touching myself and it's going really well.

Fuck my life with a life fucking machine.

This day is rapidly moving into "cut a bitch" territory.

Mommy holds up that finger at daddy to show him how much she loves him.

Hey everybody. Are you trying to decide what your New Year's resolution should be? I've got one: Shut the fuck up.