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A chick pulls my hair in a bar fight, I fight back; an asian lady rips my hair out during a bikini wax and I pay her. Life is strange.
Carrie Prejean's an overachiever, at 22 she has 7 sex tapes and multiple nude photos. At 26 all I have are baby pics of me in a bubble bath.
If a guy can't kill a bug, then his man-card should be revoked.
Wondering if they keep the office freezing in order to keep our bodies fresh in case we kill ourselves during a meeting.
There once was a man from nantucket... I don't remember the rest but it ends with you as the whore.
Can you stay late and finish this? Really means, Fuck you.
Anyone who schedules Friday afternoon meetings has a wish and it is death.
If I could have a superpower it would be to un-jam the motherfucking printers when they fucking get fucked! I swear if this happens again
I love the holiday season because instead of being called a bitch, I just get called a grinch. Sounds so much nicer. Happy Holidays!
Im like the female fashion Macgyver - All you need is a rubber band, a stapler and a pen and ta-da it's like you're bra strap never snapped!
Driving thru campus brings back such fond memories: drinking, playing drinking games, puking, passing out, waking up in a strange room...
At another sister's wedding, always a bridesmaid, never a fuckin bride. No, I aint bitter at all, I'm super excited. Where's the alcohol?
Who the hell schedules a meeting on Friday afternoon?! Oh that's right, I work with Satan's minions.
Bout to put up xmas tree. If I dont tweet in the next 24 hours then Ive hung myself with string of lights where all bulbs work but that one
Does this new Apple Tablet come in a chewable option? I hate swallowing pills.
"How do you two know eachother?" "Farmville" "Oh, so through facebook?" "No, farmville" ...at least it's not Mafia Wars
If balloon boy's mom is deported to Japan, will she be sent away in the balloon that he was supposed to be in?
The couple getting married after looked like a hooker and her pimp. I've never seen a bride wear a tutu and lucite heels.
I hate overly excited/happy people. They're really lying bitches who make my ears bleed.
Why couldn't Al Pacino brush his hair in 88 Minutes?