They caught suspect #2 in a boat sitting on dry land. I have never been happier someone wasn't Polish then tonite. #wewouldneverlivethatdown

Mommy Is Not Going To Get Up Today, Or Any Other Day Because She Is Depressed Since Dad Banged The Bartender At Applebees. #saddrseuss

Melissa Gilbert and Timothy Busfield announced they are getting married. The 80's announced that not even they care.

#ff @phitcomedy @secret_pants @judypartyoffun @patrickgravesiv @johnkensil @nunnsnumberone @juliethopewayne @chipchantry @doogiehorner

In the spirit of Lance Armstrong and his confession, I feel as tho I must make one of my own. Indeed, I dealt it.

All I know is that bean burritos make me way more gassy then they did 4 years ago AND I WANT ANSWERS! #debate

Super Mario Bros was released 27 yrs ago today. I'll be celebrating by jumping on shrooms & down pipes. Please have an ambulance ready.

#ff @rachelfogletto @rickhelpa @comicchrishayes @joebeii @maryradzinski @misstoiletslave @chipchantry @jossactual

The person who should be running our economy is that person on Jeopardy who figures out how to win by $1. #craftymathskills

is "ive had enough of you fucktards" a valid reason for leaving work early? im asking for a friend. @judypartyoffun

With @phitcomedy @birdtext @secret_pants @heliumcomedy & tons of awesome funny peeps, Philly is a Comedy Goldmine! #whyilovephilly

Hey Guys! Now that the election is over, let's get back to important stuff like bitching about Andy Reid and when the McRib is coming back!

Hey! #ff one of my fave Philly comics! @alexgrubard

I'm gonna bring back the barrel & suspenders look. It's about time. #fashionista

Going to see @iamcolinquinn and @amyschumer tomorrow nite @nyccomedycellar after an early open mic. Yay! #goodendtoaweirdweek

Just saw Lane Johnson coming out of Liberty One. All I could
muster was a "Welcome To Philly!". He said thanks & his gf giggled. #eagles

Bad day? Slam your hand hard in a desk drawer, be distracted by pain & have a reason to scream in the direction of that annoying coworker.

The Jets release Tim Tebow, which leaves him free to play the lead in the State of Florida production of Jesus Christ, Superstar. #tebow

So wait, it's NOT ok to pick up the full size Tombstone pizza and eat it like it's one big piece of pizza? Who knew?!

one of those cardinals has lungs of iron according to all that smoke. they also just delivered 40 pizzas and 40 bags of funions. #pope