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Scary to think if you lost one of your bones you probably couldn’t pick it out from all the other bones in the bone pile
Be the change you wish to see in the world. *dresses up as 69-cent piece*
I guess there was a pants apocalypse and the only survivors were black spandex capris?
The octopus has 8 arms and can perform a stunning array of complex motor skills. I just tripped over my own feet while drinking a smoothie.
Compromise: I’ll say “JIF” if you say “GAYPEG”
There's no sadness as deep and unbearable as realizing too late that you chose the oatmeal raisin cookie.
Stabbed a homeless man with a jewel-encrusted dagger and he didn’t even turn into a sand mummy what the fuck
I think Twitter is an excellent writing exercise because it forces you to communicate an idea with the fewest possible words, thus leading t
Can someone please tell me what it’s like to touch a lady? I’ll fix your computer
An X-wing leaves Hoth at 600 km/h and a TIE fighter leaves the Death Star at 500 km/h. Solve for when will I have a girlfriend
Ladies: think Ryan Gosling is sexy in Drive? Give me a shot. I too have poor social skills and can drive a car.
My horcruxes: •GI Joe action figure •Terminator 2 VHS taped off TV •Doom 2 on floppy disk •Star Hawk II LEGO set •slice of pepperoni pizza
The terrifying truth is there is no God the universe is indifferent to humanity and we’re utterly alone anyway I’ll have a Big Mac large f
Man of Steel. Screenplay by Chris Jones
They say it’s all down hill after the first kiss.
I have a space dick.
Big night! Speed dating eight slices of pizza.
Remember guys it's called OkCupid not AwesomeCupid
What wine is traditionally paired with a slice of pepperoni I found in my couch?
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