Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I guess there was a pants apocalypse and the only survivors were black spandex capris?
Stabbed a homeless man with a jewel-encrusted dagger and he didn’t even turn into a sand mummy what the fuck
Compromise: I’ll say “JIF” if you say “GAYPEG”
I think Twitter is an excellent writing exercise because it forces you to communicate an idea with the fewest possible words, thus leading t
Can someone please tell me what it’s like to touch a lady? I’ll fix your computer
An X-wing leaves Hoth at 600 km/h and a TIE fighter leaves the Death Star at 500 km/h. Solve for when will I have a girlfriend
The terrifying truth is there is no God the universe is indifferent to humanity and we’re utterly alone anyway I’ll have a Big Mac large f
Man of Steel. Screenplay by Chris Jones
They say it’s all down hill after the first kiss.
I have a space dick.
Big night! Speed dating eight slices of pizza.
Remember guys it's called OkCupid not AwesomeCupid
What wine is traditionally paired with a slice of pepperoni I found in my couch?
Napping is a lot like drinking. Fun while you’re doing it but then you wake up groggy and wondering why your car’s parked in a playground.
it's friday and it's payday. yeah boi, tonight I'm gunna make it rain all over the various entities to which I am indebted
Have you heard about this videotape, you watch it and seven days later you’re dead? It’s Paula Deen making a Krispy Kreme Burger
Hey owls, we get it. You're smart. Take off the graduation cap and quit being such a dick.
You stay classy, guy using a giant Ikea sack as carry-on luggage.
Transformers are real *folds pizza into calzone*