Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Programming: Where “this is making me angry, I think I’ll keep at it for a few hours” makes total sense.
Heart disease is the #1 killer of black men and white women. Either way Michael Jackson had it coming.
A man who counts his chickens before they are hatched is said to be suffering from premature enumeration.
Happy “all my iPhone cables and cases are worthless now” day!
My pants need a pop-up blocker.
In this urinal
A penny and rusty spring
Robots must pee here
Nothing quite stirs up office gossip like that pamphlet from the doctor's office that I've left on your desk while you're out.
Subway has $3 subs now, in case any of you are looking to get diarrhea.
I wish I knew how to force quit you.
This US Constitution iPhone app never has any updates.
GIVE ME A CIGARETTE OR THE PUPPY DIES!
Just kidding, I'm actually doing OK right now. Baby steps. Also we need a new puppy.
Pro Tip: I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by peeling out after hitting that Pinto!
There's nothing quite like a little girl who always wants to hold your hand. Except for my niece when she's pooping. That's something else.
Pro tip: Wait until the person you just shook hands with is out of view before applying hand sanitizer.
Hey email marketers! You know what I'd like 20% off of? The number of messages you send me.
I think the hardest thing about watching someone else's kid for the day is making sure they don't notice your van.
I just microwaved a bowl of oatmeal with a metal spoon in it and nothing happened. What other lies are we living? Wake up sheeple!
The Twitter equivalent of a really loud fucking foghorn or something.