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Gonna invent a drink called Expresso that’s just a cup of bees so people will stop asking for espresso incorrectly.
Programming: Where “this is making me angry, I think I’ll keep at it for a few hours” makes total sense.
A man who counts his chickens before they are hatched is said to be suffering from premature enumeration.
You wouldn’t say “Jew York City” but somehow “Indianapolis” is OK? Please say Race Car City or Vroomerville from now on.
Happy “all my iPhone cables and cases are worthless now” day!
My pants need a pop-up blocker.
In this urinal
A penny and rusty spring
Robots must pee here
Nothing quite stirs up office gossip like that pamphlet from the doctor's office that I've left on your desk while you're out.
Subway has $3 subs now, in case any of you are looking to get diarrhea.
I wish I knew how to force quit you.
I’m not saying I have Liz Lemon’s luck but I just ran into two separate hot guys while shopping for box wine in sweats.
This US Constitution iPhone app never has any updates.
GIVE ME A CIGARETTE OR THE PUPPY DIES!
Just kidding, I'm actually doing OK right now. Baby steps. Also we need a new puppy.
Pro Tip: I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by peeling out after hitting that Pinto!
Hi I’m Jenny McCarthy. I smoke ecigs because hey those are safe. Remember to not vaccinate your kids.
There's nothing quite like a little girl who always wants to hold your hand. Except for my niece when she's pooping. That's something else.
Pro tip: Wait until the person you just shook hands with is out of view before applying hand sanitizer.
Hey email marketers! You know what I'd like 20% off of? The number of messages you send me.