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Go to your parents' house. Turn off motion-smoothing on their tv. Turn off keyboard sounds on their iPhones/iPads. Upgrade their browsers.
Okay imagine you go to The Dark Knight Rises and surprise: the entire soundtrack is new original Prince songs. Imagine it. Imagine your face
Sext riddle: I am inside u. Deep inside. I am in all ur bones and when u open ur mouth I can wave to myself. Give up? I am Sadness
Robert Downey Jr. and Jodie Foster just saying their own names to each other, like Pokemon, for hours.
RT if you are literally a trembling wet bag of bones and scared emotions
I got 99 problems but a joke structure based on a 2004 rap single ain't one.
A Fake Geek Girl and Welfare Queen walk into a bar. Do you get the joke. They are both made up by Afraid Men lol
OMG RT @cr3: You've must have seen this. Surely. It's amazing. World record for most soda cans opened in 3 seconds: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=DPKQwfIe5YQ …
Mitt Romney even pronounces the word "poor" likes he's only ever read it in a book.
Summer fun: every headline you see about "beach bodies," pretend they mean dead ones.
My goodness, you guys. It's... perfect. This is so accurate about depression, it gives me chills. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html …
You ever look down and notice you're clenching your fist? And also your jaw? And also your whole self and have been your entire life?
Every few days I get mad all over again that the best term we could come up for that thing was "walkie-talkie."
When your phone rings and you're too scared to answer it and then it turns out it's the pharmacy calling about your anxiety medication.
For a second I almost gave a shit about a bunch of chicken-selling evangelicals on the losing side of history.
New Yorker cartoon idea: young caveman on phone, trying to walk parents through starting fire "no, mom, rub the sticks togeth--put dad on"
Do you ever try to hail a cab and then realize it's a pizza delivery car and then think "omg what if you could hail a pizza?!" Just me?
Nothing in the shadows but the shadowcats.