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Decorating for good friday by hanging a hobo from a cross in my living room. Looks nice but the wheezing is a bit much.
Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping, into a lawsuit. Wet floor signs should been visible.
Gingers have freckles cuz they come from the "rough part" of heaven. Freckles are angel blood spatter.
I'm working on a book. Matches count, right? There's like 7 or 8 left.
Hiding in the corner w/ lampshade disguise on my head. Hope my ex doesn't try to turn on the light.
Nick licks thick ducks and Chuck sucks duck chicks but sometimes Nick licks Chuck's duck chicks and Chuck sucks Nick's thick duck. I farted.
Had a nightmare that ONE tweet caused 45,000 people to unfollow instantly and simultaneously. Still shivering.
If you get invited to an AT&T rep's wedding, don't go. The reception will be terrible.
I wave hello when I answer the phone.
Boss is extra micromanagey today. Related: I'm extra stabby today.
Got woken up yesterday by a hot milf breaking into my apartment. Got laid. True story.
Really glad I dumped my gf. Feels great to not have to care about people or their stupid feelings!
Eating boogers. I haven't done this in years! Loljk I eat 'em all the time
Due to unforeseen medical bills, I have to downgrade my phone, so no web. Please mail all your tweets to my house. :(
Black History Month + Fat Tuesday = Fat Albert Appreciation Day
Doing naked karate in front of the mirror now
If it's cold and I put a rubber band around my nuts, they totally look like a squirrel's brain
Ugh. Elder wand is so mainstream. *snap* *toss*
Got rid of those pesky follow freaks. Back to a pure, funny timeline.
Now dance, bitch.
I am to microwaves what Fonz is to jukeboxes.
Complaint not valid unless in haiku okay? Beep boop ding peanut.