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Blessed are the peacemakers, and if you want to argue with me on that, I'll fuck you up like a train wreck.
An Internet skirmish is usually characterized by the lack of an aggressor and the presence of multiple passive-aggressors.
Never startle an already-vomiting cat.
"God, I hate Desperate Housewives."
"When have you ever seen the show to begin with?"
"...there's a show?"
KID THERE ARE EIGHTY GUYS NAMED "DAD" IN THIS CHUCK E CHEESE BE MORE GODDAMN SPECIFIC
I don't know what the proper etiquette is for telling someone, "I think I've seen you in amateur Internet porn." More adjectives, maybe.
You think you have problems? A year and change and I just realized that milkshake thing is about boobs.
Rex's thumb #patriot
Me: "If you had a sundae at TGI Fridays today, it'd be a Friday's Saturday Sundae!"
Yeah, I'm loads of fun.
Co-worker: "Do you know what's really sad?"
Me: "A one-legged puppy trying valiantly to play Frisbee?"
Co-worker: "...damn, dude."
I never loved your mom.
Don't be silly. I'm well used to HOLY ASSBANGING FUCK WHAT WAS THAT NOISE living alone.
Let's make a gingerbread church and declare it non-denomnomnominational.
HR is displeased with my new email signature. I'm just trying to be more personable.
Milo "Kittentits" Bloom
"Your call is very important to us and will be answere--NAW DOG I'M JUST FUCKIN' WITH YOU AIN'T NO ONE HERE"
Cultivate a sense of childlike wonder today: ask everyone you see "Why" until they start crying tears of exhausted frustration.
Meeting with the superintendent of my kids' school. Will exercise every last mote of willpower I have to not call him "Supernintendo."
"If you can dream it, you can do it." Horseshit. My furnace isn't a portal to another world and I'm writing this from the burn unit.
Should inside jokes be told in an "inside voice", or should you just shut the fuck up?
[something witty or approaching it that is ultimately pointless but allows me to feel as though I've created something]