“@lovethbunmi: @sween cos clark kent is the superman!!!!” That makes no sense at all. Clark Kent has *glasses*.

Anyone ever notice you never see Clark Kent and Superman together? Or at all?

There is nothing more adorable than my wife trying (and failing) to push the footrest down on the recliner she’s trapped in.

and then his monocle popped out! a pelican! with a monocle!

but seriously have you ever seen a pelican with steam coming out of its bird ear-holes?

crap i hope that pelican doesn’t follow me on twitter

DOLPHINS! I SAW DOLPHINS IN THE OCEAN! PLAYING! ONE ATE A FISH! A PELICAN WAS GONNA EAT THAT FISH! MAN! THAT PELICAN WAS PISSED!

My lady parts are like a Rubik's Cube.

Challenging and vintage.

A falcon soars high above me. Majestic. Wild. Free. Doing abso-freaking-lutely *nothing* for its personal brand.

America: A Michael Bay Production

@yodelmachine Yep, someone tweeted it to me. I AM CALVIN'S DAD.

@inthefade MUAH @yodelmachine

This popular show that wins Emmy's is profoundly awful and full of stereotypes that make me feel uncomfortable.

Luckily for this guy, I like a store where I'm told, "Here's a drill; go ahead and take down the stuff you want to buy. I'll be back."

Really excited for Coachella this year, especially Tuba Falconers, Ceaseless Beeping Sound, and Tyler and the 22-Year-Old Idiots.

The White House does not think North Korea currently has the capacity to launch a nuclear weapon under the leadership of General MacGruber.

According to Web MD I'm dead.

Autocorrect keeps Turing to fix my tweets

"Give me grim. Give me grim. Great. Love the hand in your shirt. Great. OK, let's try one where you're grim." -sassy Civil War photographer.

Shout out to the guy in Starbucks who thinks his headphones are plugged in.