Google is a female because she doesn't let you finish a thought before suggesting other ideas.

I'm old enough to remember that my mom would send me to the gas station at 10 years old to buy cigarettes with note.

Anyone else notice that all the slutty women are on twitter and not in the bars?

Its so damn cold out my penis has now shrunk to the size of a banana.

My wife made me dinner, rode my cock, put the kids to bed, and is now making me a snack and cleaning the house. She is up to something.

"I just wanna suck your dick," is not something that a woman means when she says "I want to spend quality time with you," UNFORTUNATELY!

its not really a cupcake if its made with meat, people.

I can't fuck my wife and I can't fuck other women. What the hell is that? Marriage.

There are times I wanna tell my son how I banged his mom last night, but then I realize he is a little too young.

When I rewrite my vows with my wife remind me to add in "and have sex twice daily."

I can't actually go to the bar and drink with my wife cause then I won't have anyone to complain about.

The quote: "That's what she said" is appropriate when someone says, "Wow that's so huge" OR "Phew, You wore me out" OR "thanks for the cock"

Ever notice in cop shows lately that it is always the 'wife' that commits the murder? Makes you think.

Every guy, gay or straight, has at least once crossed their legs when they heard what a nutcracker was.

Hi guys, I had a different account, so if you were following me before i'll let you know who I was.

I don't know about you but I am so going to party like its 1999.

I can honestly say I have never tripped except on my own two feet. Being stoned is completely different.

My wife's ex boyfriend asked her for a naked picture that I would approve of him to have. So I stripped naked and sent him the picture.

Ever think God is cruel for making the women's sex drive so much more complicated than the men's?

By Holiday Tip I don't mean I want a pic of your penis wearing a tiny Santa Cap, Dad.