He's very handsome, by which I mean he has some hands. The normal amount of hands. I'm not great at describing people with words.

Writer's block? More like writer's block!

Can I have sex with people who have the same name as my boyfriend or does it have to be that specific Mark every time?

clitourist

DTFIMIYWITUTYNP (Down to fuck, I mean, if you want. It's totally up to you- no pressure.)

"Do you even lift, bra?" -something I just said aloud to my underwear drawer

I got so drunk last night that I changed my default search engine to Yahoo.

Instead of resumé, I say resume. Because I always resume unemployment after turning one in.

The airport is exactly like all those comedians say it is. They're very observant.

Reenacted the WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!? scene from Se7en before I opened every present.

Raw toast is just bread?

It's probably hard to be taken seriously when you're Steve Zahn.

Abraham LinkedIn

Sending blank sheets of paper through the printer so I can warm my face on them.

Unless you /are/ Jack Black, looking like him will not get you any poon.

Like all the swankiest cars, I too have a red leather interior.

♫ I can be your gyro, baby! ♫

-EnGREEKe Iglesias

They call my pussy THE COCK PIT.

*writes 0 on "_ days without an accident" sign*
*puts piss-stained sheets in the wash*

Willem Dafriend