On a scale of 1-10 (4 being the highest, rest of the numbers randomly scattered between high and low values) how good am I at making scales?

10 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope & Steve Jobs, but today I dug up all their graves and now you'll never find em! #BellLetsTalk

I have no problem with my daughter taking a bell to prom, but I still believe I should be able to have a chat with it first. #BellLetsTalk

Old couple in restaurant. She's called him an idiot 10 times. He's doing the kind of not giving a fuck you only read about in fancy books.

“Son of a bitch! I got tomato sauce all over my steel AGAIN!” - Some guy, the day before he invented stainless steel.

Porter, you're a great airline, but enough with the "last chance for this sale!" emails. We both know there will be another sale next week.

Be aware, if you start drinking at a 3-year-old's birthday party, you will end up hearing the words "3-year-old's birthday party" a lot.

Flying home from Hawaii today. Do we have a new pope yet or do I have to do EVERYTHING myself?

Tried to say “rock solid” & failed. Foolishly defended what I said & now have to invent something called rock salad before anyone catches on

Oh no! Horrible news for every comic in Toronto. Check out this email I just got. pic.twitter.com/E8odBHTPWt

“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.” - Some genius

Dear Travelocity, offering "Eggceptional savings" is garbage. I'm not 6. If you want an Easter theme, try "Holy Christ! Cheap Flights!"

Don't you find it odd that baseball hats are accepted as everyday fashion, but you almost never see a dude wearing a football helmet?

Just watched Robocop again. If there's a better movie where a Detroit cop gets killed & has his organs put into a robot, I haven't seen it.

The great thing about putting Bailey's in your coffee is that you don't need to add sugar or milk. Or coffee.

If a muffin has raisins, it should be illegal to not have them visible on the top. Are you listening, Ottawa? #SurpriseRaisinsAreTheWorst

"Sorry I'm late. Where do I go, on the cereal? No? OKAY! You don't have to yell. I left all my info in the fridge." - Unprepared mustard

I don't have a joke for this, but imagine a comedic situation. There's something there.

I'm going to go as a billionaire for Halloween. Does anyone know a store where I can get a monocle and a billion dollars?

You know what I never see anymore? People screaming 'hi-YA' as they pretend to do karate. What happened to us?