If you are a woman and reading a book in public, I am in love with you.

I hate it when people walk down stairs slowly. Please just fall if that's what it's going to take.

Oh my God, I am a great singer alone in my car at night with the windows down.

The woman I marry will love semicolons as much or more than I do. We will divorce for some random bullshit though.

I have to stop asking my cat what's up.

I literally can't stand myself when I'm talking to other people.

Adding friends on Facebook is the new second base.

When people confuse "our" and "are" in print, I instantly stop reading whatever it is and take an angry walk.

If you think I'm autistic please understand that it's intentional and it's because I hate you.

Life is like Super Mario Bros. 3. There's a general path that we can all follow and then there's that guy who can beat it in 10 minutes.

I went ahead and got my username tattooed to my inner thigh so no one would doubt the authenticity of my inevitable dick pics.

Fact: 75% of a relationship is in the woman's head.

I put my beer in my blazer pocket to tweet this.

When texting I always try to match the other person's frequency so I don't look desperate. I let them adjust and I adapt. It is a dance.

People keep asking me for directions and I'm all like: All I know is how to find pizza, my office and the bathroom.

It's disconcerting how so many of the people here on Twitter are amazing and yet how miserable they are in spite of it.

Why hello mystery fluid in the elevator. I bet there's an interesting story behind you.

I've spent some of my best nights on Earth wrapped furtively around a toilet, screaming for everything to stop. Life is about perspective.

My favorite way to communicate via body language is fucking.

McDonalds paid $125,000 to promote #ANewMcDFavorite to trending. I thought this fact should also trend.