Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn't happen.

Love, Science

Facebook = Star Wars,
Twitter = Empire Strikes Back,
Google+ = Return of the Jedi.

MySpace = Stupid prequels.

"In this same office, firing you." - Best answer to the "where do you see yourself in 10 years?" job interview question.

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

The 4 Stages of Going Out:
1. Why do I do this to myself
2. This isn't so bad
3. WE SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN
4. Why do I do this to myself

There should be a food group called "fuck it."

I was sad that I had no shoes, until I met a man that had no feet. We both felt bad for a guy wearing Crocs.

"If only I would have checked myself" - guy who wrecked himself

Dear Women,

We don't say this enough, but thank you. For not killing us in our sleep.

Love, Men

Adele's ex-boyfriend should get a grammy.

Leaving a cup of water next to a plant then letting it die shows the rest of the plants in the house I’m not about to put up with their shit

There's a fly on my plane. Lazy fuck.

I just want people to accept me for who I pretend to be.

"I used to be the Internet!" - The Library

98% of all band-aids are used to cover up a child's melodramatic bullshit.

"Worst. Friday. Ever." - Jesus

PEOPLE OF SAMOA, THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOKIES

I get 98% of my news from people making fun of the news.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUU" - Declaration of Independence first draft

"Let's sleep in when we can't sleep in, and not sleep in when we can sleep in" - children