Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn't happen.

Love, Science

"HEY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON UP THERE" - your stomach while you're chewing gum

Facebook = Star Wars,
Twitter = Empire Strikes Back,
Google+ = Return of the Jedi.

MySpace = Stupid prequels.

BREAKING: CNN now reporting they know what Willis was talking about.

The 4 Stages of Going Out:
1. Why do I do this to myself
2. This isn't so bad
3. WE SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN
4. Why do I do this to myself

"brb" – Jesus

"Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance" - Alcohol

"There's a sleeping person. Let's go ask it questions." – Children

Don't forget to stop and Instagram the roses.

"In this same office, firing you." - Best answer to the "where do you see yourself in 10 years?" job interview question.

Romney's 5 Point Plan:
1. Tell them what they want to hear
2. Do what I want
3. Look at pictures of horses
4. Buy a new boat
5. Ski

Things I did while Twitter was down:
1. Tried to load Twitter
2. Checked Facebook
3. Wept
4. Tried to load Twitter
5. Tried to load Twitter

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

Dear Women,

We don't say this enough, but thank you. For not killing us in our sleep.

Love, Men

If you buy organic and don't tell someone about it, is it still organic?

Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

There should be a food group called "fuck it."

I always eat tacos over a tortilla, so when stuff falls out BOOM extra taco

The hardest part of sacking Tom Brady is the never wanting to let go.