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1. think of a joke
2. chuckle at the joke
3. tweet the joke
4. no one likes the joke
5. hate the joke
6. hate yourself
How to live a healthy lifestyle:
1. Fuck it
Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Why do all the Google Rorshach Doodles look like my dad leaving us for his new family in Indiana
not having a tattoo is the new tattoo
1. Buy some candy
2. Put it away for a rainy day
3. Go ahead and eat it who cares no one loves you anyway
Pics or it didn't happen.
If I had a nickel for every time I accidentally got into someone else's minivan while I was looking at my phone I'd shit I just did it again
I bet early man used to spend hours just staring into the forest trying to decide what to kill and eat
Just once I'd like to see someone cooly walking away from an explosion walk right into a spider web.
Not sure whether the royal baby will be a boy or a girl, but 100% sure it's going to look like Winston Churchill for a while.
CHANGING OUR FACEBOOK AVATARS WORKED EVERYBODY
Just gave some kid's lemonade stand a scathing review on Yelp.
"There's a sleeping person. Let's go ask it questions." – Children
A public bathroom's grossness decreases exponentially by how badly you have to go to the bathroom.
The good news is I don't have to push my kids on the swings anymore :) The bad news is I don't have to push my kids on the swings anymore :(
"what else can i eat" – everyone that's still awake
watching me eat something crunchy while watching my favorite show is my dog's favorite show
I CAN DO ANYTHING
Maybe I can
I'm just a boy, standing in front of the internet, asking it to love him.