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There should be a food group called "fuck it."
A phone is a pacifier for your eyes.
1. Agree to do something
2. Do everything but that thing until right before it needs to be done
4. Goof around on the internet
Facebook = friends i have
Twitter = friends i want to have
every time my kids ask me "are we there yet?" i exclaim "YES!" then pull into a gas station, park and stare at them until they start crying
Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
how to be healthy
1. always eat breakfast
2. have a light lunch
3. enjoy a sensible dinner
4. FREAK OUT @ 11pm & EAT EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Fun new drinking game: Pretend you're not an alcoholic
"Don't be THAT Kind of asshole, be THIS kind of asshole" - religion
Rubbing a dog's ear on your face beats anything that could happen in a club.
A donut is the best way to extinguish the flames of your sadness for 10 seconds.
winter needs to calm the fuck down
When God closes a laptop, he opens an iPad.
Don't forget to stop and Instagram the roses.
"it's ok to be fat" – cold weather
"no it's not" – warm weather
1. think of a joke
2. chuckle at the joke
3. tweet the joke
4. no one likes the joke
5. hate the joke
6. hate yourself
How to live a healthy lifestyle:
1. Fuck it
Why do all the Google Rorshach Doodles look like my dad leaving us for his new family in Indiana
not having a tattoo is the new tattoo
I'm just a boy, standing in front of the internet, asking it to love him.