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Facebook = Star Wars,
Twitter = Empire Strikes Back,
Google+ = Return of the Jedi.
MySpace = Stupid prequels.
A phone is a pacifier for your eyes.
There should be a food group called "fuck it."
1. Agree to do something
2. Do everything but that thing until right before it needs to be done
4. Goof around on the internet
Facebook = friends i have
Twitter = friends i want to have
every time my kids ask me "are we there yet?" i exclaim "YES!" then pull into a gas station, park and stare at them until they start crying
Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
how to be healthy
1. always eat breakfast
2. have a light lunch
3. enjoy a sensible dinner
4. FREAK OUT @ 11pm & EAT EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Fun new drinking game: Pretend you're not an alcoholic
"Don't be THAT Kind of asshole, be THIS kind of asshole" - religion
Rubbing a dog's ear on your face beats anything that could happen in a club.
A donut is the best way to extinguish the flames of your sadness for 10 seconds.
winter needs to calm the fuck down
When God closes a laptop, he opens an iPad.
Don't forget to stop and Instagram the roses.
"it's ok to be fat" – cold weather
"no it's not" – warm weather
1. think of a joke
2. chuckle at the joke
3. tweet the joke
4. no one likes the joke
5. hate the joke
6. hate yourself
I'm just a boy, standing in front of the internet, asking it to love him.