@yppahi's (yppah!) most faved Tweets...
Masturbation in the morning is always a bit awkward because I then feel obligated to spend the rest of the day with myself.
Sure having kids can bring you joy. But greater than the joy I get from walking around my apt naked while swigging wine from the bottle? No.
One benefit of having cats over kids: Fewer disapproving looks after you masturbate wildly in the middle of the living room.
♪ It's raining, it's pouring, my boyfriend is snoring, I gave him head and he went to bed, said he'd return the favor in the morning ♫
Remember Steven Wright’s joke about eating a bag of Oreos before going to the dentist? Well, I have an appt with my OB/GYN in about an hour.
"Mommy, do you smoke marijuana?" "No, dear." "Oh. Mommy, what's for dinner?" "Moon Pies and Fritos & bean dip."
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I'm just a girl. Standing next to a guy. Who totally just farted and is trying to cover it up by loudly scuffing his sneaker on the floor.
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Know what's more fun then spending some time at the plant shop with my mother on a Sunday afternoon? Anal fucking a dull chainsaw.
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Me, to my cat: "You are are so lucky that I love you, even though you're a dickhead." Cat: *barfs on my lap*
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I’m wearing my glasses today. This means I can’t see shit when I roll my eyes, which, let’s face it, takes up a majority of my day.
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