Wal-Mart is trending? When I have to go to Wal-Mart I treat it like I'm a prisoner of war and my only goal is escape.

Pee Wee's Big Adventure In My Pants #improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants

MONEY HOES DRUGS ? Way to keep it classy twitter.

#youngkidsshouldbebannedfrom every aspect of life that includes them talking. And sugar and caffeine.

#4GLTE Is like a leprechaun riding a unicorn to mars.

I'm going to question the trending topic Mrs Right . Shouldn't it be Ms Right ?

mayonnaise, shaving cream and lighter fluid #letsgetweird

Just the fact that Marron 5 is trending and not #WeirdAl leads me to believe there is no hope left.

Michael Myers is trending. Did he finally go to jail for killing all those people?

#blamethemuslims is trending. I hope you feel good about yourself @twitter .

#whitepeoplehobbies buying expensive fashionable technology items that they have no idea what they do, how they work, or why they want it.

#fatpeoplenightmares 95º 100% humidity. White T shirt, white shorts. Being questioned about your internet history by a prosecutor.

If I ever met the GEICO gecko I'd snap it's neck and fry it up with some lemon and olive oil. It would take 15 minutes or less.

My iPhone is my best friend. The saddest thing about this tweet is that it's not a joke.

DEAR EVERYONE WHO HAS NEVER HAD A JOB IN RETAIL OR ANY SERVICE POSITION: be kind

After I punched the cop in the face I decided #ineedtostop thinking so much about my decisions and just go for it.

Life advice: Everything tastes better out of a glass container.

I'm old, I'm confused.

You know that everyone is waiting for that inevitable moment when Chris Hansen is caught with his pants down with a 11 year old boy.

I don't like the term shit faced. I'd much rather prefer fecal facialed.