I let my dog lick me on the mouth because, some days, I just don't have time to lick the ass of every dog in my neighborhood.

"Just be yourself" - Skinny, hot, smart chicks with great personalities

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

dad!?

If it's a serious tweet, send me a sign. Otherwise, your dead grandma joke is freaking hilarious.

Di
d no one re
ad e.e. cum
ming's poems and realiz
e he was having a
fucking
stro
ke?

A lot of you have children. You also tweet about a billion times a day. I'm really impressed that your children are still alive.

Her: Can I eat your food?
Me: THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAA!

anyway, that girl is dead now.

Imagining a scenario in which I have a heart attack, but the doctors can't do anything to save me because my breasts are so mesmerizing.

I know that everyone is beautiful in their own way, but some people just aren't.

I demand to be buried with a fully charged phone. You know, just in case.

Stop touching your face! It’s a zit, not a brand new clitoris.

I'm that girl who gives you criticism on your technique while you are drowning.

If you say touché, you are probably a douché.

If you guys don't start telling me when my tweets don't make sense, I'm gonna start matriculating bananas to the chimney of the coral reef.

I'm gonna get a Boxer and name him Briefs. This is my Boxer, Briefs. WTF NO MY DOG CAN'T HOLD YOUR PENIS.

I just got a check from my gynecologist for $200. A check. Not a bill. Your vagina is so invalid it might as well be a penis.

Just spent an entire night pretending to be on a date with my sister because there were lesbians there and I'm super competitive.

If you are from New Jersey, you don't even have to tell us. We already know.

You’d think the Greek Gods could get people to sculpt them with bigger penises.

I put lotion on my hands and became a prisoner in my own bathroom for 30 minutes. Would have been 60 without my critical thinking skills.