I'm gonna get a Boxer and name him Briefs. This is my Boxer, Briefs. WTF NO MY DOG CAN'T HOLD YOUR PENIS.

I know that everyone is beautiful in their own way, but some people just aren't.

Just spent an entire night pretending to be on a date with my sister because there were lesbians there and I'm super competitive.

Only 80 more years until I've read the entire internet and then I can finally go to the bathroom!

sugar stuffs unicorns

I put lotion on my hands and became a prisoner in my own bathroom for 30 minutes. Would have been 60 without my critical thinking skills.

The problem with sadness is it’s often like getting hit in the face with a hockey puck when you’re at a baseball game.

Breast hypnosis is like highway hypnosis only nobody dies but you have to explain real quick why you're touching your mom like that.

30 seconds ago marked the hundredth time, today, I've accidentally opened the Mail application on my computer and then shot myself for fun.

In the documentary about my life, today's footage is me running everywhere looking super hot and then falling down an escalator.

With a movie coming out called "We Bought a Zoo," I feel oddly better about pitching "We Went Potty Together" and "I Ate a Doll."

The halleberry is super hard for jam makers to find, but it's by far the best type of blackberry.

Don't follow your heart. Those are prone to attacks.

I made a playlist called "Dance Party!!!!!" to make me happy, but it only made me realize that I love Bruno Mars and parties suck.

My neighbors stopped putting up Lost Cat signs after my fifth "I found your cat and he was delicious!" phone call.

I let my dog lick me on the mouth because, some days, I just don't have time to lick the ass of every dog in my neighborhood.

This would be a better 1st date if we were riding on a giraffe peeking into people's windows instead of questioning my binoculars, officer.

This life thing scares the shit out of me.

Remember those guys who sold watches from their trench coats? That's me, but I sell whatever I dropped between my breasts the night before.

Her: Can I eat your food?
Me: THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAA!

anyway, that girl is dead now.