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*rubs eyes* what? 102 followers? Twitter Elite here I come! Can't wait to crash one of their parties in my tuxedo tshirt & no pants.
Invented a new word: tournicunt. It means being such a unreasonable cunt that EVERYONE around you wants to choke the living shit out of you.
I honestly don't care what a woman looks like, if she can make me laugh and control her laughter when I take my pants off, its on.
I reek of pot smoke, vodka, fornication and bad decisions. So this weekend was a total success.
Wait, just a goddamn minute, twitter's a dating site? I woulda eased up on the ' I fucked a tranny' & 'I gotta tiny dick' jokes if I knew.
Friends appear to have staged an intervention; they say their fine w/ the drinking &narcotics. Its the country music they won't tolerate :(
I am gonna be super drunk today! Its like regular drunk but I will be wearing tights and a cape.
Without the seven deadly sins I would have no resume to speak of.
If I had a nickel for every smart ass comment that comes out of ur mouth I'd put them all in a sock and fuckin beat you to death with it.
If I had 30 secs to save any of the kardashians from certain death I'd use that time deciding between beer or whiskey for tonites bar visit.
Its not you, its me...and this blind, hate fueled rage I feel every time you speak. You kno what? I'm lying. It is you. Go fuck yourself.
The cloud of pot smoke I'm marinating in is so thick that I'm goin to have to organize a search party to find my vodka &pills. Please help!
The McDonalds filet of fish meal on ur breath... for those times when you want her to think that you may be cheating on her . I'm Loving It.
Gonna take me a power nap, so I can wake up and start power drinking some rum, power hitting some dank and power popping some pills
I killed and grilled my spirit animal. Tasty, delicious wombat...fuck I hope that was a wombat. Could have been a hairy pig...mmmm, bacon.
Her laziness is fucking staggering! She says if i never wore pants her life would be so much easier its a fucking drawstring, not algebra.
Because love can be sooo fuckin boring and well you kno, FUCK. THAT. NOISE. -me on reasons I drink and do *recreational accelerants. *drugs.
I'm now convinced that love and happiness are for other people, my lot in life has been cast as drunk and lonely.
I'm fuckin spun son. I was just told by 2 different ppl that my most common phrases are 'right on' & 'fuck off' so go right on and fuckoff!
Ok I took like 10 shots of rum & a handful of hydrocodones, so ima go beat my cock like I caught it breaking in the house and take a nap...
socially retarded, heavily pierced & inked up, starter husband. i collect divorces. i said something funny once. probably.