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Stop giving Amanda Bynes a hard time. Her mom is stranded in a hot air balloon. Let her grieve in her own way.
The difference between being romantic and creepy is how hot you are.
I'm not gay, but I think I know a thing or two about not having sex with women.
People love me for a few months and then never talk to me or think about me ever again. I'm basically the Nintendo Wii of people.
The lead singer of Nickelback is just Nicolas Cage with uncooked ramen noodles glued to his head.
Everything doesn't "happen for a reason." The universe is not aware of your existence. Stop being arrogant.
"Ya nasty." - Raven 3:16
The humble pie I made today was...okay.
Fuck the scale. If you look hot, you weigh the right amount.
"You'll have more fun in high school, Zach."
"You'll have more fun in college, Zach."
"You'll have more fun in Hell, Zach."
Someone who dines at a diner is a diner. I N C E P T I O N
Twilight is like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its millions of fans insist you just don't understand.
I feel bad for the girl who took her glasses off and let her hair down and was still ugly as shit.
I went on WebMD to see why my foot was asleep and apparently I have cancer of the everything.
You either die a Walter, or you live long enough to see yourself become a Heisenberg.
"I'm not slutty like all the other girls." - every girl
When a girl says "suck my dick" it's shocking and edgy, but when I say "lick my vagina" everybody just looks at me funny.
"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends." It's going to be really awkward if I get one of them pregnant, though.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.
Writer for @LiberalBias / @StatePress. Amateur taxidermist. Comedienne.