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That frozen song blows and everybody knows it. Wtf. Shoulda been Happy.
Everyone is for sure noticing how your hair is a little weird today and remembering it forever
If you're happy and you know it it will end.
Showerbed. I just revolutionized everything.
BREAKING NEWS: Insomnia Just Rewarded With Drive-Thru Breakfast
babe i'm just saying my sperm could probably beat your birth control.
Howie Long did a great job pretending he's heard of Bruno Mars before.
How to be twitter famous: Message everyone to rt you, re-write popular tweets, show some cleavage, but not too much!
Remember when Woody Allen dated a young girl in the movie Manhattan and everyone was like, "Weird but okay." Yeah. We blew it as a society.
Sorry I can't hangout, my phone is at 61%.
hey don't forget that katy perry isn't a feminist
People who live in glass houses tend to be fish or reptiles.
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im going to karaoke Summertime Sadness even though it's 38 degrees out. fuck anyone who scoffs
What are the chances that an untrained, unproven writer from rural Ireland will make it big in the world of American television? Like 98%?
How did the creators of Kickstarter raise the money?
Writer for @LiberalBias / @StatePress. Comedienne. My best tweets of 2013: http://zachheltzel.com/2013/12/07/my-best-tweets-in-2013/