Fuck the scale. If you look hot, you weigh the right amount.

I went on WebMD to see why my foot was asleep and apparently I have cancer of the everything.

Screamo only got to be a genre for two years because they're all dead now.

I guess my greatest accomplishment is when I made out with a lesbian because she thought I was a girl.

Oh wee ooo I look just like Buddy Holly (after the plane crash)

"James is too busy doing weird shit, but what if I told you we have something almost as good?" - Dave Franco's agent

Stop giving Amanda Bynes a hard time. Her mom is stranded in a hot air balloon. Let her grieve in her own way.

If Pokemon ever shows up on Netflix, game over, rest of the internet.

I'm not gay, but I think I know a thing or two about not having sex with women.

@pajamabenladen Twitter got me laid at 5300.

The humble pie I made today was...okay.

The person with the most followers that retweets this will get their name tattooed on my body.

Someone who dines at a diner is a diner. I N C E P T I O N

I want to have friends but I don't want to be friends with people.

People love me for a few months and then never talk to me or think about me ever again. I'm basically the Nintendo Wii of people.

Twitter: If they didn't see it in the first three minutes, they never will.

I am the patron saint of finding clothes that kind of fit you but never perfectly fit you.

I want Aaron Carter to murder my vagina.

Twilight is like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its millions of fans insist you just don't understand.

Hi I'm Kyle Lippert pic.twitter.com/k52UZilTOe