"Holy shit! Steve joined Spotify??" -me, opening my email every morning

Poison Oy Vey #jewishbatmanvillains (via Jeremy Allen @local4news)

Picked up a little something at Zales today. Hope I'm over it soon, I can't stop barfing.

This time last year Osama bin Laden was just watching porno and burning trash just like the rest of us. #USA

Just finished reading The Hunger Games wikipedia page. Wow! Even better than everyone said.

My vision of paradise is being surrounded by 72 gherkins.

"Money makes the world go round." -first sentence of failing astronomy paper

"No one's on the Internet. Those were the days." -my mom watching second episode of Game of Thrones

I'm not so crazy about the ending to Jurassic Park. It's a real Deus Rex Machina.

Less excitement than I hoped for my Jungle 2 Jungle 2: To Jungle 2 script.

HEY!! THIS IS FOR ALL MY HATERS OUT THERE: I know I'm sorry :(

To be fair, guys, they only had a year to put this show together. #oscars

You misspelled peehole. RT @ryanseacrest how do u get candle wax off ur coffee table?

My favorite kind of forest vegetation is moss def.

@beckyobecky @esbyrne "Roads? Were wer'e going we won't use ROADS"

@jsmilovitz thank you for being a great emergency health care proxy and brother

March Madness!  https://vine.co/v/bDe9zDrzUKA 

I'll never forget this beautiful advice my late grandfather gave to me: "Hoverboards don't work on water! Unless you have POWER."

@beckyobecky NO, SHEBOYGAN. VERY BIG IN SHEBOYGAN.

Oh my God, I never thought this would happen to me but I'M ENGAGED (in a conversation with my mother about RuPaul's Drag Race)