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The end of the world isn't really as noticeable as I was lead to believe it would be.
Tweet others as you wish to be tweeted.
Dear people, BE NICER TO EACH OTHER.
Finally proposed to her but she hasn't texted me back yet!!!
The brilliant @paulprovenza directed the phenomenal @kelly_carlin's show!
Better than "Cats"! Treat yourself http://falcontheatre.com/carlin_home_companion.html …
"I'm running like 3 hours behind, bro."
I got 99 problems & math is 2 of them!
Sex is just like riding a bike (if you fuck bikes).
IT'S TIME TO STOP EBOLA! You can help by dumping a milkshake on your head and posting the video online!!!
I started going to the gym so I could get a six-pack but then I remembered they don’t even sell beer!
Looking to hire someone to hit the gym for me 2-3x/week. Serious inquiries only. Thx.
OVERHEARD AT COFFEE SHOP JUST NOW: “This guy is totally eavesdropping on us.”
You can't hurry love. Especially if you've been drinking whiskey.
I can't afford therapy so I just eat a lot of fortune cookies.
High Sight is 4/20.
I have typo bloood.
An actress I know is getting breast implants but she has to because she has a deviated septum.
i wanna love ya and tweet ya right.
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