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The end of the world isn't really as noticeable as I was lead to believe it would be.
Tweet others as you wish to be tweeted.
Dear people, BE NICER TO EACH OTHER.
The brilliant @paulprovenza directed the phenomenal @kelly_carlin's show!
Better than "Cats"! Treat yourself http://falcontheatre.com/carlin_home_companion.html …
"I'm running like 3 hours behind, bro."
Finally proposed to her but she hasn't texted me back yet!!!
I got 99 problems & math is 2 of them!
Sex is just like riding a bike (if you fuck bikes).
IT'S TIME TO STOP EBOLA! You can help by dumping a milkshake on your head and posting the video online!!!
I started going to the gym so I could get a six-pack but then I remembered they don’t even sell beer!
Looking to hire someone to hit the gym for me 2-3x/week. Serious inquiries only. Thx.
OVERHEARD AT COFFEE SHOP JUST NOW: “This guy is totally eavesdropping on us.”
You can't hurry love. Especially if you've been drinking whiskey.
I can't afford therapy so I just eat a lot of fortune cookies.
High Sight is 4/20.
I have typo bloood.
An actress I know is getting breast implants but she has to because she has a deviated septum.
Milwaukee's Worst must be fucking awful.
i wanna love ya and tweet ya right.
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