Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, & co-workers are from the very depths of hell.

Still trying to figure out this Black ops game. Where's the section where you can target your ex & tear him limb from limb w/a tomahawk?

To do:
1. Get a ticket for a runaway train
2. Skate on thin ice
3. Tell Ward he's being a little hard on the Beav
4. Skip to my Lou

To do:
1. Make sure there are no witnesses
2. Dig a 6' x 4' "hole" in backyard
3. Perfect evil laugh while burying "package"
4. Make cookies

I accepted a FB friend request accidentally & this guy liked every single pic of me & poked me 9 times already. It can only end in violence.

To do:
1. Break/throw something
2. Scream fuckstickpieceofshitsonofabitchfuckknob at a few select people
3. Learn to ice skate backwards

Saw a guy on crutches smoking so I HAD to educate him on how bad it is for you.


Also, I knew I could outrun him when I stole his smokes

Why doesn't the waitress keep bringing me breadsticks like they said? Unlimited doesn't stop just cuz I went home, bitch.

I have a new motto: Punch first & ask questions later.

On second thought, there's no need to ask questions cuz who cares?

There are two things I will never give up for a diet. Both are bacon.

I hate being the one everyone turns to when emergencies crop up. But I AM the one wearing the cape, so I guess it's to be expected.

Nosy people should join twitter so they can be a pain in the ass in a totally acceptable way.

Guy just told me i have beautiful eyes. Since he was looking at my chest the whole time I guess "eyes" is the new "boobs"

Just saw 2 large & obvious hillbillies walking a miniature poodle alongside the road. Shit's just wrong, so I ran 'em over.




Twice.

Threw up a little. But not in my mouth... OUT OF MY NOSE! You can't teach this kind of talent.

If you're wondering why there's no welcome mat at my house, you shouldn't be here.

To do:
1. Fuck with slow drivers on the freeway
2. See if Bonnie Tyler's holdout for a hero ever succeeded
3. Punch every 3rd person I see

Woke up entangled in an S & M scandal w/Rhianna...and I must say these assless chaps are pretty comfy.

I just sat here for 30 minutes reading your funny as shit tweets while the stuff I got out to make for lunch just rotted away on the counter

A loaf of bread just flew off the shelf halfway down the aisle. I AM ALONE IN THE BREAD AISLE W/THE BREAD GHOST!!! Please send help!