Intelligent people talk about things and joke about themselves. The rest talk about themselves and joke about things.

Pushpa, you can cry now.

Thanks for the unfollow. I couldn't handle the pressure of entertaining you.

You'll find love in unexpected places. Like a line that's marked in the book you're reading, waiting for you to fall for it.

Sadness is a friend of mine. The only friend who's stuck with me since I was a kid.

I am that guy with headphones, who mutes the music and eavesdrops on people's conversations.

The distance between two people is often measured by silence.

Your holiday is a waste if you don't forget your passwords.

Best thing about owning a flamethrower is that I don't have to finish my sentences.

Mom thinks that there are weird people on the internet. She doesn't know that I'm one of those people.

I'm sure a cheaper version of you is currently available in China.

If vampires tweet about how they need blood, they'd be disappointed. Everyone RTs their tweets, but nobody comes forward to donate it.

Always in love. I think I'll put it on my bio.

Adobe update - Chelsea manager #samething

If you're happy and you know it, write it down. You can never ever say 'I don't remember the last time I was happy' ever again.

Is it too late to make a new year resolution for 2011?

Have to unfollow some of you because you guys are writing better jokes.

The woman who waits is the woman who weaves stories.

Dreams called and hung up.

I am one bottle of rum away from becoming the funniest man in the world.