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Love getting so drunk you wake up somewhere random, except once i'd rather it be Hawaii instead of a park bench with half my organs missing.
Please don't speak to me today...we'll both regret it.
Who will stop the pirates now?? #saveweymouthcoastguard
I can never forgive the Italians for inventing different textures of milk and for somehow making them all so damn important to people.
Wish it was just me and the music... But no the bar's got a gang of piss-water drinking teens in breathing my air and absorbing my sub-bass.
Does applying vaseline to doorknobs count as an 'interest'? Eugh...I hate CV's.
Tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy sitting on a bench last night.... He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
I know I've got to where I want to be in life when playboy bunnies are handing me coke-rimmed margarita's. Oh, and I can fly.
Annoying thing about drinking at work is that when you do stupid shit you've gotta pretend you're just stupid. And sober.
An xbox headset is the best form of birth control.
Don't know why I'm getting angry about things I can't change when clearly I should be drinking and writing funny tweets.
Ironic that normal people won't trust me with mundane secrets while dealers will happily trust me with as much drugs and cash as I can carry
Keep finding unexplained little cuts all over my knuckles... Like I blacked out and tried to fist a porcupine.
'Nips' is the most whimsical of expletives.
I've just made you read a pointless sentence.
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