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I can tell I'm in for a magical evening by the way you moved all your car garbage to the back seat BEFORE I got in.
I call my bedroom the red light district because of my lizard's night lamp. And also the hookers.
Writing a cookbook of 30 Second Meals. It's a very long list of things you can use to eat peanut butter directly from the jar.
"If you've got it, flaunt it." -fat ladies re: their boobs, and my cat re: his anus.
Are we using "cock magnet" to describe things that guys like yet? Can we start?
A fun thing to do at parties is get distracted painting a giant octopus on your dresser and forget to go.
Oh my god subconscious, I'M BUSY I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WONDER WHAT SOFIA VERGERA'S NIPPLES LOOK LIKE
Far be it from me to pass judgement on your stupid, stupid choices.
I bet Calvin ended up being a furry.
"Oh hey, it's me, remember, we had sex 5 months ago. Just wanted to let you know, if you want to again, I'm game." GUYS, I FOUND MY SOULMATE
Sometimes I hear seagulls and think I live by the ocean...but nope, just a dumpster.
People on Facebook can't believe it's not Friday yet. More updates as story develops.
It's that time of year when I copy and paste your whiny, "it's too hot" summer Facebook statuses in reply to your "ugh snow I hate WI" ones.
Does Ryan Gosling know I have a vagina? I'm worried he doesn't.
Amber Alert is my stripper name.
My buddy Nate is Greek but also has alopecia so it's like what's the point?
"Yes Officer, I threw all my roommate's stuff off the fire escape, but she changed her alarm tone to Creed, what was I supposed to do?"