I can tell I'm in for a magical evening by the way you moved all your car garbage to the back seat BEFORE I got in.

I call my bedroom the red light district because of my lizard's night lamp. And also the hookers.

Writing a cookbook of 30 Second Meals. It's a very long list of things you can use to eat peanut butter directly from the jar.

"If you've got it, flaunt it." -fat ladies re: their boobs, and my cat re: his anus.

Are we using "cock magnet" to describe things that guys like yet? Can we start?

A fun thing to do at parties is get distracted painting a giant octopus on your dresser and forget to go.

Oh my god subconscious, I'M BUSY I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WONDER WHAT SOFIA VERGERA'S NIPPLES LOOK LIKE

Far be it from me to pass judgement on your stupid, stupid choices.

@thesofiya Kids are the worst air traffic controllers THE PLANES DON'T WANT TO BECOME FRIENDS RILEY IF THEY MEET EVERYONE DIES

I bet Calvin ended up being a furry.

"Oh hey, it's me, remember, we had sex 5 months ago. Just wanted to let you know, if you want to again, I'm game." GUYS, I FOUND MY SOULMATE

Sometimes I hear seagulls and think I live by the ocean...but nope, just a dumpster.

I hate my new neighbors so I'm changing my WiFi network name to SHUT UP and the password to me making this face.  http://twitpic.com/bilb7e 

People on Facebook can't believe it's not Friday yet. More updates as story develops.

It's that time of year when I copy and paste your whiny, "it's too hot" summer Facebook statuses in reply to your "ugh snow I hate WI" ones.

This has been making me giggle uncontrollably for 3 days so I've decided to share it.  http://twitpic.com/bh4ekh 

Does Ryan Gosling know I have a vagina? I'm worried he doesn't.

Amber Alert is my stripper name.

My buddy Nate is Greek but also has alopecia so it's like what's the point?

"Yes Officer, I threw all my roommate's stuff off the fire escape, but she changed her alarm tone to Creed, what was I supposed to do?"