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Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Stay in school kids. You can't afford premium quality drugs without an education.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I don't see any reason why boxed wine shouldn't come with a little straw stuck to the side.
Your new password cannot be any of the last 6,452 passwords you used, or the one you're thinking of now.
If you're not part of the solution you're probably someone I could be friends with.
Whenever I hear, "this call may be recorded for training purposes" I take it as a challenge.
The kids in this carpool are so loud I can't hear myself drink.
Nice try female porn stars. The rest of us can get the job done in 1/10th the time.
I try to get my recommended daily allowance of water by ordering all my drinks on the rocks.
I was out of cellphone range for about 3 minutes there so I know what it's like to be brought back to life on the operating table.
Today Brad and Angelina filed adoption papers for Beyonce's baby.
I'm never drinking again, again.
Interviewer asked where I see myself in 5 yrs: "With 6 digit stars & maybe a couple favstar trophies. I'll have internet access, right?"
He returned it to Jared.
I would totally go to Twitter rehab
if I knew all of you would be there.
My kid asked what a buzzkill feels like so I signed him up for summer school.
I'm in charge of the cooler for the picnic at the lake today. There is only room for beer & a few straws for the kids to drink lake water.
The best time to tell someone they were adopted is at a family reunion.
I'll have what she's having
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