Covering a camel toe with a fanny pack is proof that two wrongs don't make a right.

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

Stay in school kids. You can't afford premium quality drugs without an education.

My nickname is "Mom" but I go by MomMomMomMomMomMomMom.

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

I don't see any reason why boxed wine shouldn't come with a little straw stuck to the side.

If you're not part of the solution you're probably someone I could be friends with.

As far as I'm concerned the fitted sheet comes out of the dryer already folded.

Whenever I hear, "this call may be recorded for training purposes" I take it as a challenge.

The kids in this carpool are so loud I can't hear myself drink.

Nice try female porn stars. The rest of us can get the job done in 1/10th the time.

I try to get my recommended daily allowance of water by ordering all my drinks on the rocks.

I'm one more obsolete charging cord away from having my own segment on Hoarders.

I was out of cellphone range for about 3 minutes there so I know what it's like to be brought back to life on the operating table.

The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.

The guy with napkin rings in his earlobes probably knows which one the salad fork is.

"Go fish" - me at the blackjack table

It can't be Twitter's birthday. I didn't get a Facebook notification.

My favorite yoga pose is taking my bra off.

I was in charge of the annual family Christmas card photo until I told everyone to meet me in the bathroom with my phone.