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  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    Covering a camel toe with a fanny pack is proof that two wrongs don't make a right.

    • 1,301
    • FAVS
    Garret_007finetime4wineTw0PennethvivalacraprandireneeriderawordforawordSortaSarcasticbeskrajan
    • 594
    • RETWEETS
    clubmatiawordforawordKauaibrideAmbeyBambykcMcCowgirlAmyAmyAmyRuthA_Kuenamatatanavydocvet
    seagullski__TheTennisPhenomSteelFontana__Maui_Speaks
  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

    • 1,134
    • FAVS
    charrrllaaluckyocotilloToastburglardavidbryant1Tw0PennethAstronaut1205DaniLynn1024SSquirm
    • 431
    • RETWEETS
    redpawn3vivalacrapcherryminxejmichaels1hbreaker9999StarksWeek__FreshTerritory__united_we_fail
    Sarcasmo718yzuppjimmyfairplay____wheelfreedvaporcoffin
  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    Stay in school kids. You can't afford premium quality drugs without an education.

    • 902
    • FAVS
    davidbryant1funnybeachgirlemily_a_kerrBennyJizzumbobolinkinitAliffArshadMoonHealinghythemafia
    • 482
    • RETWEETS
    hythemafiatyrantasorusEllani_BellecherryminxHauteNsaucyawordforawordSortaSarcastickcMcCowgirl
    cherryminxfizzlestothetop__Tuna_LoverDawnAnonymous____Kipalupagusryaninco__GroperCleveland
  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

    • 830
    • FAVS
    davidbryant1Tw0PennethvivalacrapSortaSarcasticJosesLovesYouiamfabriziokcMcCowgirlAMoore9608
    • 286
    • RETWEETS
    SortaSarcasticKauaibridestellarella77TheBlackerBerieonething86RobNurmigweil0therealjayski
    cynicuhlGimpySunshine____lucyworld1splinter295______
  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    I don't see any reason why boxed wine shouldn't come with a little straw stuck to the side.

    • 686
    • FAVS
    BriteRainbow799leslieann_100Tw0PennethBartoGeoDreamExplosivejp_gowcherryminxSortaSarcastic
    • 328
    • RETWEETS
    BriteRainbow799Tw0PennethDreamExplosivecherryminxitsmedonRandomBestmerrickj1kcMcCowgirl
    katy_baybay
  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    If you're not part of the solution you're probably someone I could be friends with.

    • 637
    • FAVS
    Tw0Pennethvivalacrapawescarxosmjmsistrunk42cherryminxsoonerick76newsfondue
    • 210
    • RETWEETS
    cherryminxOliveBeerthanksstacywawa1MontyNishimuraMindless4MilesawordforawordSortaSarcasticBadMikeyBad
    SonOfChaChelseaK22DukeOfOyl________
  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    Whenever I hear, "this call may be recorded for training purposes" I take it as a challenge.

    • 584
    • FAVS
    xosmBoo_berries_SazBartztotallynudegirltaumarbsjusforkix13debby_kent__walkingonlego
    • 241
    • RETWEETS
    christy_lynnnUggsRUglycampinmamaSazBartzBHMaloneytaumarbsJustLikeMikeewalkingonlego
    joeyhuggles______iTweetMedicated__
  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    Your new password cannot be any of the last 6,452 passwords you used, or the one you're thinking of now.

    • 570
    • FAVS
    Kerfuckusdavidbryant1rydabuttryKristinHuckabeethebestmonkeyseanbwalshBarbiturateCatLonelyJackalope
    • 309
    • RETWEETS
    whiskeypantsBoozieEyedJoePasseriformH_E_Sarahnofairytale4uswingcrusaderLabyrinthRatSmooheed
    pizzajaynow
  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    The kids in this carpool are so loud I can't hear myself drink.

    • 513
    • FAVS
    FRANKATROCIOUSvivalacrapmo_vitalunaSamirah_saadehgecheck62lostdarkness24__SofiaLuvidysalexia
    • 114
    • RETWEETS
    Tw0PennethKauaibridegecheck62SofiaLuviIamDreMaLadult_keverageTlaxBoy05StarksWeek__
    HannahAnticsjohnnydeeeee
  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    I try to get my recommended daily allowance of water by ordering all my drinks on the rocks.

    • 437
    • FAVS
    Tw0PennethawescarJosesLovesYouiamfabrizioSofiaLuviiwearaonesieStarksWeek__jannable9
    • 114
    • RETWEETS
    Tw0PennethKauaibrideiwearaonesieStarksWeek__gokananasgibbetcrunchenhancedcuntsicles
    seriousprobz______
  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    Nice try female porn stars. The rest of us can get the job done in 1/10th the time.

    • 434
    • FAVS
    Tw0PennethawescarawordforawordJosesLovesYouiamfabrizioSofiaLuviiwearaonesieStarksWeek__
    • 124
    • RETWEETS
    awordforawordJosesLovesYouTlaxBoy05StarksWeek__keyboredestmrjohntofuthatdutchpersoncrunchenhanced
    ColoradoCrow
  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    I was out of cellphone range for about 3 minutes there so I know what it's like to be brought back to life on the operating table.

    • 393
    • FAVS
    Tw0PennethawescarJosesLovesYouSofiaLuvijfrank50dbedalbertahbreaker9999StarksWeek__
    • 98
    • RETWEETS
    BlakeBruhhhhdbedalbertahbreaker9999StarksWeek__Shoechick32ChadsQueen24HourBitchingpogue_brian
    BootsieTweetsEmoSobby
  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    Today Brad and Angelina filed adoption papers for Beyonce's baby.

    • 274
    • FAVS
    Tw0PennethDreamExplosivecherryminxJosesLovesYouiamfabrizioBlondAmbitionTOjfrank50hbreaker9999
    • 52
    • RETWEETS
    DreamExplosivecherryminxLordFroyhbreaker9999StarksWeek__HallpassCanada_gomerpyle_mrjohntofu
    jefftminstonGoGoTaggBootsieTweetsMosedogg
  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    Interviewer asked where I see myself in 5 yrs: "With 6 digit stars & maybe a couple favstar trophies. I'll have internet access, right?"

    • 226
    • FAVS
    Tw0PennethawescarJosesLovesYouSofiaLuviStarksWeek__Sheila_Mac420thatdutchpersonGenevieve0404
    • 28
    • RETWEETS
    StarksWeek__B_poling82Boobzillazsweetandweak______TeflonPawnCool_JesseDawnAnonymous____chagger73
    iNusku____________
  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    I would totally go to Twitter rehab




    if I knew all of you would be there.

    • 177
    • FAVS
    TheBeerGuy73flipthistweetTw0Pennethawescarloribuckmajormo_vitalunaShelleychicoinebonnieclouser
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    flipthistweetsami191998SofiaLuviStarksWeek__Appalachian304eyeamImranwhatitsmenejChromeBabyMomma
    partyvita
  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    He returned it to Jared.

    The sequel.

    • 167
    • FAVS
    RaylaRimpsonTw0PennethawescarcherryminxHShep101616MinionTrainerkcMcCowgirlnigelgodwin
    • 70
    • RETWEETS
    RaylaRimpsoncherryminxkcMcCowgirllauoneilscottieXRchoopdogThomasRemsenMeowshell_4
    wesjohnson8LBelle1
  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    Tonight Bill will whisper to Hillary, "How about a Lewinsky?" closely followed by, "Too soon?"

    • 165
    • FAVS
    Tw0PennethawescarJosesLovesYoujfrank50DarkerWillowhbreaker9999berthaday5150__StarksWeek__
    • 16
    • RETWEETS
    jmichali80hbreaker9999StarksWeek__joeyhuggles______FierceMessfavstar1000favsJust1Tyme________ElCrabador
    FSUSteve
  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    The best time to tell someone they were adopted is at a family reunion.

    • 163
    • FAVS
    Tw0Pennethiamfabriziojfrank50BossaNovaaaDarkerWillowStarksWeek__keyboredestHallpassCanada
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    BossaNovaaaStarksWeek__KidRockQueenwesjohnson8ColeManMythLgndBradBroaddusFierceMessfavstar1000favs
  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    I'm in charge of the cooler for the picnic at the lake today. There is only room for beer & a few straws for the kids to drink lake water.

    • 154
    • FAVS
    SmooheedTw0PennethJosesLovesYouloribuckmajorSofiaLuviStarksWeek__Sheila_Mac420gokananas
    • 42
    • RETWEETS
    SmooheedStarksWeek__keyboredestgokananasGenevieve0404Tristan_Brucewikwikwak________DoctorBenDover____
    awesomeseank
  • zgbetty
      Kilo Charlie @zgbetty

    My kid asked what a buzzkill feels like so I signed him up for summer school.

    • 151
    • FAVS
    Tw0Pennethbees_wingzcherryminxMotivatedMocha321Rollingscott_towelEliHansenMusicvaglaser
    • 55
    • RETWEETS
    Tru2007cherryminxMotivatedMochaattheUCTlaxBoy05StarksWeek__LittleHalfDevilHallpassCanada
@zgbetty

@zgbetty

I'll have what she's having