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I love all of you. Except the ones who accepted my sexual advances. You fill me with shame and regret.
WHAT?! Which of you fuckers unfollowed me? Oh wait, you won't get this...
My Mom's visiting starting tomorrow morning; wonder how many semen jokes I can get her to RT?
I think Master Chef would be greatly improved if the secret ingredient every week was last week's loser.
So apparently I make to many poop and masturbation jokes.
What's the deal with airplane food? Am I right?
I started referring to my anus as my "exhaust pipe". It helped justify the addition of the chrome tip.
Here's what I learned last night about karaoke: The more I drink, the less I notice your shitty singing.
Women who say that women who say they love giving blow jobs are lying are not to be trusted.
I mean my hand is giant. Not my penis. It's not small, it's just a problem of perception.
Oh, paperclips and staples. You are the center of my life right now. Please someone kill me.
Sometimes, when I find myself at a loss for words, I...um. Fuck.
I finally opened the curtains, so I have a better view of the squalor. Now the dog is crying under the bed.
Follow Fridays are my weekly reminder that you all know hundreds of people funnier than me. So thanks for that, you fuckers.
I haven't updated you guys on my penis status yet! Here goes: dress left, still pejazzled, currently hiding in my hand, which is giant.
You guys are totally in bed with me. We're watching Anchorman. You should keep your hands to yourself, im not that kind of girl*!
How much of this wine do I need in me? I say all of it. Stupid undersize gallon jugs.
When I masturbate, I like to pretend you're here with me. Not running your bitch mouth. Hahaha, not really. You never shut the fuck up.
Good morning, humans! I would ask how you're all doing, but I don't care and I'd rather shit. Come, let's walk.
A note: motherfuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck
I wear my Rainbow Brite t shirt on dates, because I'm gangsta as fuck.
One of the people. Tsu Tey won, so I'm back in the dating game. I can be starfucked at http://favstar.fm/users/zhakesullee.