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  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    The one thing I've learned from my cat is that people really don't like my butthole right in their face.

    • 239
    • FAVS
    Calliejacobson____emireecraireMilkshakeAnyone__kiralcCurtmacklinnursethebeerswolebeauMonsoonPuma
    • 28
    • RETWEETS
    BigBec43HeyFuckheadhelsthornSpartan_Killer___oakhillbargrillladyjazsjunkComebackhead______EggNugent
    peterbyrnes______randomisms
  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    I just dropped a horrific fart in the Apple Store. Everyone's is pissed, but it's not my fault they don't have Windows.

    • 176
    • FAVS
    emireecraireMilkshakeAnyone__jimandrewsmusicbuffalodoctorDarkmagickanleftys_cornerSpartan_Killer___HallaTJH
    • 31
    • RETWEETS
    DarkmagickanSpartan_Killer___toronto63oakhillbargrillnerdculaTheBlackSheep_charliekanelMandie_Dawn______
  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    If pot becomes legal tonight I'm smoking a fat ass blunt on the porch. But if it doesn't I'll just smoke it on the couch.

    • 170
    • FAVS
    emireecraireMilkshakeAnyone__jimandrewsmusicleftys_cornerSpartan_Killer___snarkJAR__________oakhillbargrillDanKCharnley
    • 31
    • RETWEETS
    johnpalominohawkeyelisaSpartan_Killer___snarkJAR__________oakhillbargrill_itspat_sativahoney______MyMaria_
  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    A kid dropped a Skittle on the bus. His mom wouldn't let him have it, so I took it & said "this is why being grown up is cool", then ate it.

    • 156
    • FAVS
    Calliejacobson_____CaitlinCooneyDontFollowDaveemireecraireMilkshakeAnyone__kiralcthereverendcinkDanKCharnley
    • 32
    • RETWEETS
    emireecraireDollythebutcheriothecatmaulifuffSarahMcLovinJBMrNickJCNerdyBakerkakennedy0217
  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    Me: "Sorry it looks like I have jizz on my shirt."
    Friend: "What is it?"
    Me: "It's jizz."

    • 115
    • FAVS
    Calliejacobson____emireecrairecincyredparker287turboescortdudeTheLateNiteShowbrownbear952______kiralc
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    turboescortdudeTheLateNiteShowTraceyLou88kiralcfavstar1000favsJOlvera_de_KCjake_likes_napsComebackhead______
  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    Sometimes when I'm having sex with a strange woman I don't know, I like to whisper something dirty like "sorry".


    A lot.

    • 95
    • FAVS
    MilkshakeAnyone__kiralcthereverendcinkDanKCharnleyhatehugImaFlyontheWallSouthernBredGrljake_likes_naps
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    VashWdsUnspokenBunnydurdenFavstar500Favs
  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    Things girls say that get me off immediately:
    1. Don't stop!
    2. I'm almost there!
    3. Keep going!
    4. Faster!
    5. Hi.

    • 89
    • FAVS
    MilkshakeAnyone__kiralcthereverendcinkDanKCharnleydoor_matt_1RhussonhatehugAmburglar_
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    theBloodyQuillsRhussonEricWhiteShield__ImaFlyontheWallSouthernBredGrliamyouruncle______Favstar500Favsorbislame
  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    "Hey." - My only pick up line

    • 80
    • FAVS
    emireecraireMilkshakeAnyone__thereverendcinkhatehugImaFlyontheWallSouthernBredGrlRadiopticdaisylion1
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    emireecraireSeanEmenyjake_likes_naps3rdAlbum__STEEZYELLIOT__Favstar500Favscandeemathisfavstar_pop
  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    Grandpa: "Why aren't you married yet?"
    Me: "Girls are different these days grandpa."
    Grandpa: "Son they're all whores, just pick one."

    • 77
    • FAVS
    kiralcnerdculathereverendcinkhatehugImaFlyontheWalljake_likes_napsdeluciousgingerLola_Areola
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    Nattie_BestTheBlackSheep_hilohowardFavstar500Favsfavstar_popNad_mcNads______Watstein__________CheekyChinWag
  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    California butt sex is just butt sex and avocado.

    • 61
    • FAVS
    SocialExtortionapsucheslickdicksonlissteria________randomlady74ShockTartBionicSwagman2321Reinhaha
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    lissteria________randomlady74Swagman2321Favstar_NSFWnotnowthankyouManCaveSMImSoJuliaadoncamiloco
  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    Me: "Like 2 or 5, I'm not good with numbers."
    Friend: "I'm pretty sure you ate 9 donuts."

    • 68
    • FAVS
    Calliejacobson____turboescortdudekiralcthereverendcinkhatehugImaFlyontheWallKarlRylandjake_likes_naps
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    turboescortdudekiralcFavstar500FavsStephPedalDownManginaMcCoolSelaSmellaKasanderp________DonSchanke
    AlanFelyk
  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    A genie with bad hearing is the worst. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this huge pianist?

    • 71
    • FAVS
    jimandrewsmusickiralchatehugImaFlyontheWallSouthernBredGrlali_ali_austinBurlissLola_Areola
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    KingofQueens13BurlissLola_AreolaFavstar500Favsdea7hba7PheasantPluckrfavstar_popRobski_Boy
  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    Oh shit, I'm fucked, 4 hippies w hula hoops just got on the plane bound for San Francisco. I'm pretty sure this is in the bible.

    • 72
    • FAVS
    jimandrewsmusicNorskHausGoatsMcScroats____dantanna77kiralcthereverendcinkhatehugImaFlyontheWall
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    kiralcManginaMcCooliansiouxkingamirFavstar500FavsTheBlessMess
    TheBlessMess
  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    I get paid to tell jokes all day. But don't tell my boss or I could lose my job.

    • 75
    • FAVS
    emireecrairenataliaelsjimandrewsmusickiralcthereverendcinkhatehugImaFlyontheWallSouthernBredGrl
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    jimandrewsmusicManginaMcCoolFavstar500Favs
  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    If you ever catch me with a surprised look & a giant foil penis, that means I'm fucking my burrito & you should leave, or stay, your call.

    • 70
    • FAVS
    emireecrairethereverendcinkhatehugImaFlyontheWallmojo_bones_Comebackhead______DonSchankeAh_kee_oh________
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    lukem2323Favstar500Favsadrianage11desirousgoddesstweetofclay
  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    The D.A.R.E. program helped me to stay away from drugs until the first time I was offered some.

    • 63
    • FAVS
    nataliaelsjimandrewsmusichatehugComebackhead______DonSchankeDeluxeIndian______Ah_kee_oh________hilohoward
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    snatchaweaveFoolishReporterjimandrewsmusicTheBlackSheep_Favstar500FavsCourage_Moon
  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    "Is it bigger than a bread box?"
    "I don't think so."
    "Is it moose cock?"
    "Yup."

    (Canadian 20 questions)

    • 49
    • FAVS
    Katetodd11782JacobThomas31____ShellEBachusXchelmoptionaIgrumpyblumonkeySassOnMyMouthTomBanks1________
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    Katetodd11782XchelmoptionaIgrumpyblumonkeyTomBanks1________nicfit75ducksandchucksrushmorn
  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    I'm trying to imagine two giraffes 69'ing but it's turning into a cruel game of Tetris with just those two shitty s pieces.

    • 57
    • FAVS
    Calliejacobson____jimandrewsmusickiralchatehugSouthernBredGrlsleepingfairiesLola_AreolaStexcy
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsTICfanpageZwacklebyIGetzSomemmargatronLPG711DorkNsteinpeanutbut
  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    Step 1. Booze
    Step 2. Who cares

    • 40
    • FAVS
    jimandrewsmusichatehugjake_likes_napsLola_AreolaHeyHoseyComebackhead______ManginaMcCoolMsCarlissima
    • 21
    • RETWEETS
    what_the_hechtjake_likes_napsgsquirrel88LeGozersleepsleepssyphyliciaGabzasterFlaviaTitusX__
  • ziuqrd
      Derek @ziuqrd

    Sometimes my pee smells like Cheerios, but so far always tastes like pee.

    • 59
    • FAVS
    Calliejacobson____emireecrairekiralchatehugRadiopticLola_AreolaComebackhead______matthewdill
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    _RaginCaucasianhedgiebushman
@ziuqrd

@ziuqrd

I have syrup on my finger and it smells good.