The one thing I've learned from my cat is that people really don't like my butthole right in their face.

I just dropped a horrific fart in the Apple Store. Everyone's is pissed, but it's not my fault they don't have Windows.

If pot becomes legal tonight I'm smoking a fat ass blunt on the porch. But if it doesn't I'll just smoke it on the couch.

A kid dropped a Skittle on the bus. His mom wouldn't let him have it, so I took it & said "this is why being grown up is cool", then ate it.

Me: "Sorry it looks like I have jizz on my shirt."
Friend: "What is it?"
Me: "It's jizz."

Sometimes when I'm having sex with a strange woman I don't know, I like to whisper something dirty like "sorry".


A lot.

Things girls say that get me off immediately:
1. Don't stop!
2. I'm almost there!
3. Keep going!
4. Faster!
5. Hi.

"Hey." - My only pick up line

Grandpa: "Why aren't you married yet?"
Me: "Girls are different these days grandpa."
Grandpa: "Son they're all whores, just pick one."

A genie with bad hearing is the worst. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this huge pianist?

Me: "Like 2 or 5, I'm not good with numbers."
Friend: "I'm pretty sure you ate 9 donuts."

Oh shit, I'm fucked, 4 hippies w hula hoops just got on the plane bound for San Francisco. I'm pretty sure this is in the bible.

I get paid to tell jokes all day. But don't tell my boss or I could lose my job.

If you ever catch me with a surprised look & a giant foil penis, that means I'm fucking my burrito & you should leave, or stay, your call.

The D.A.R.E. program helped me to stay away from drugs until the first time I was offered some.

"Is it bigger than a bread box?"
"I don't think so."
"Is it moose cock?"
"Yup."

(Canadian 20 questions)

I'm trying to imagine two giraffes 69'ing but it's turning into a cruel game of Tetris with just those two shitty s pieces.

Step 1. Booze
Step 2. Who cares

Found my toys from the 80's, so tonight I'm taking a hot bath, relaxing, and watching He-Man & my wiener battle it out. It's been a while.

I never intend on offending anyone, unless you get all offended and shit, then fuck you.