"I make music for clothing stores." - John Mayer.

Note to pregnant pedestrians: you're not glowing when you cross the street at night!

Can we all take a moment to enjoy that the actor playing the architect in the Matrix Realoaded's name is Helmut. #awesome

My best pal @frozersteven is on twitter. And the digital debauchery begins.

And his degree commercial just came on tv. Whaaa! Brain EXPLODES!!

When you go see #Looper, be sure to stay after the credits. The movie starts over again.

I'm starting to crave sushi - NOOOOOOOO!!! What have you done, LA?!

"Give me your Lemonade or I'll tell you the truth about Santa Clause." - Nathan from 3rd grade. Happy Holidays, Everyone!

Do you think Andrew WK is partying hard right now? I do.

When I say I'm having a big business day, it means I've gone number two 3+ times in a day.

How long do you think it took Wetzel to realize he was meant for the Pretzel business?

Today's celebrity siting at the laundry mat: one of the cockroaches from "Joe's Apartment"

Sorry Cali. I farted.

Monday's a real piece of shit. Sometimes, just to be an ass, Monday says "Monday Funday", just to copy off of "Sunday Funday."

I hope it's in the afternoon!!! http://t.co/yVdCrvh

Misread a headline that said "Laurence Fishburne is Perry Write" and thought it said "Laurence Fishburne is Pretty White"

I got a haircut from the saddest barber today. "What does it all mean?" sad. Had to cheer her up or look like a member of Flock of Seagulls.

Mayor telling us we did a good job behaving responsibly really took me back to my childhood.

@seanpjb Whats this? A food stand? No! it's a wine and other alcoholic beverage stand. Look a hotdog and tamale stand. Don't mind if i Do

And bear grylls quoted Abraham Lincoln. What is happening tonight?!