Lost 3 Followers that weren't bots so I guess I should just relinquish any personality I have and just Tweet about pussy, farts and tacos.

I read. I scroll. I laugh. And sometimes I even click off my own profile and read some of your Tweets.

'Only boring people get bored.'

*writes tweet* lol
*deletes tweet* no that's dumb
*writes tweet* I'm hilarious
*deletes tweet* idiot
*writes this tweet* send

Every now and then someone Tweets something that makes me wish there was a Hate option. Maybe with a butthole instead of a star.

After this vodka, I'm gonna have to eat something. And by eat I mean drink. And by something I mean another vodka.

Scientists are awesome and all, but they're totally lame at naming new planets. OGLE2-TR-L9b? How 'bout Planet Holy Shit My Face Feels Heavy

Doing a satisfied ''Ahh..'' after every sip of tea is a great way to let me know I should make sure my machete is sharpened.

My favourite part about playing video games is the bit where you don't blink for 7 hours.

You know how when Robert Plant would go 'Heyyy!' and then Jimmy Page's guitar would go 'Heyyy!' I wish more conversations were like that.

In a magnificent twist of irony I gained like 15 Followers on my 'loss of followers' Tweet. Who's unFollowable NOW!?

Gillian Anderson set to be in some kind of comedy period zombie movie. So, my life is pretty much complete now.

Not enough people are down with the Muppets these days.

This ramen cup is delicious. I just wish I didn't have to suck it out of my bed sheets...

Anger is getting comfy under duvet then seeing your fresh cup of tea sitting at the other side of the room.

You 'Twitter Elite' think you're great? Well have you ever thought of putting brie between two cheesy crackers?! I thought not!!

'I don't think you're an asshole, I just think you're kind of a son of a bitch.'

It doesn't take a rocket scientiest to realise that time travel can't happen.

'Why are you so hesitant to open to me? I want your peachy, pink insides on my face.' me to my blusher tin.

Jesus Christ! Who left my water bottle all the way over there?! Oh right, it was me. Fuck you, me from five minutes ago! #ItsTooHot