People who say "oh snap" should be punched in the face

Got my dog a hot dog toy just so I could tell her to go play with her wiener.

@jessterprynne cunt punt is better!

No amount of wine can make you forget that you dropped your phone in the toilet today. Goodnight, Toilet Phone.

So I guess this mean the homeless bums cant use McDonalds free wi-fi. http://t.co/eihB1OFx

I leave the most awkward voicemails ever

I wish I was a lefty so I could get a handicapped sticker and park in the good fucking spots

I think I'm just gonna study for my anatomy final by tattooing the answers all over my body

I told one of my old friends we no longer had anything in common. She said if I got pregnant we would. holy fucking wow point in case.

I got a bottle of vodka for christmas. They know me, *sniff* they really know me.

I just read the ingredients on my cheese and one of them is harmless white mold. And I'm still eating it. And laughing.

Hey morning people, go fuck yourselves.

Having homicidal fantasies to the inner soundtrack of "pumped up kicks." screenplay anyone?

I've discovered Brie, so I'm about to gain a thousand pounds

Crippling self pity + family meltdowns= more pie for me

I'm a fucking riot until I tweet