Gulf is the new black.

It's Flag Day? Hand me that French flag. Yeah, the white one.

There is no "I" in "team."

But there's an "I" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team."

So there.

Early photo of me:

~o ~o ~o
~o ~o ~o ~o ~o ~o
~o ~o ~o ~o ~o ~o ~o ~☺
~o ~o ~o ~o ~o ~o
~o ~o ~o

That's me in the lead.
#happybirthdaytome

Let's not all be too hard on poor Rush Limbaugh. I'm sure there's a methadone to his madness.

Haikus are so lame.
You can just write anything.
Garbage compactor.

I wish my entire bathroom floor was a urinal. Just like at work.

Just had oral sex from a blo-up doll. Or as I call it, inflatio.

You look like I could use some sex.

Great minds think alike, but quick minds think of it sooner.

Broth is just tea made with meat.

This is the longest Priceline commercial I've ever-- oh, it's Boston Legal.

There is really quite nothing like the flavor of a rejected friendship invitation.

Saturday night: ✓
At home: ✓
Drunk on cheap wine: ✓
Watching TV: ✓

Social life: ✖

God, I wish you guys really existed.

"I just threw up in your mouth. A lot." - penis

Just remember... you're unique.

And sometimes "unique" means nobody knows what the fuck to make of you.

*kisses your forehead*

I've had so much caffeine I can see my own aura.

Gonna go to the gym and break some hearts. Or my ass. Either way it'll be painful for someone.

I'd sexy up my avatar, but I wouldn't want you to follow me for the wrong reasons.

...said the 35-year-old single male