I earn my followers the hard way: one crappy tweet at a time.

I want to be loved but I also want to sit in my bedroom and do nothing and not talk to anyone.

Kinda gotta hand it to people who say "Watch out" instead of "Excuse me."

Anyway, the reason I hate basketball is because my brother used to pass the ball to my feet, making me look like an uncoordinated asshole.

I see way more fat girls in real life than I do on Twitter. What's going on here, ladies?

We set up teams at work and I named my team The Skullfuckers and everybody went silent and no one is on my team now.

Those people reading medication side effects on TV need to slow it down. You don't just gloss over "maybe even death" like that.

I just ordered a pizza instead of going to sleep because I'm a high-functioning adult with few obligations and no sense of meal planning.

OK that bottle of oxycontin in my bag just said my name out loud.

Is anyone else afraid Lady Gaga is going to start eating people?

It's not really the stars. It's that I want to see all your faces in one place, smiling, telling me I'm worth a click.

My Twitter crush straight up ignores the fuck out of me. Somehow, it works for us.

I'll scrape the bottom of an empty yogurt cup with a spoon for like 45 seconds just to irritate the shit out of my coworkers.

I'm no scientist but I'm not sure the inside of 7-11 needs to be brighter than the sun.

I'm a sex python. I go for months without sex and then I strangle and eat a full-grown deer.

The guy down the hall went to burning man so I crushed his windpipe before he could tell me anything about it.

What's next? People marrying LIZARDS? (I would totally marry the right lizard.)

I stay in touch with my inner child by pulling my pants all the way down when I pee!

Every year on this day I come out to my parents. They always cry & pray. Then I hit 'em with the ol April Fools and it's back in the closet.

My car is all "I need oil!" "I need gas!" "Low tire!" and I'm all "I haven't got any money so shut the fuck up and keep going!"